http://gutrebellyon.tumblr.com/

Feel really horrible today. I’m tired but in a dizzy, foggy, unable to sleep way. I’m...

Thu, 23 May 2013 12:08:09 -0400

Feel really horrible today. I’m tired but in a dizzy, foggy, unable to sleep way. I’m just laying down like my body is made of stone and I can’t drag myself up. It feels scary to feel this way sometimes. I don’t like it.

I logically know I’m like this because of my period. It royally fucks me over every time I have it with dehydration from severe IBS (thanks menstrual bloating and cramps) and insane night sweats, trippy dreams, skin breakouts and total exhaustion. I just don’t feel like I have the mental capacity to deal with it while I’m living it.

I know I’m not alone though. All you IBD/IBS friends say similar things and while I wish it wasn’t true for any of us, it does make me feel a bit less shit knowing I’m not the only one.

Yay plants!

Thu, 23 May 2013 07:57:43 -0400

Two of my fruit trees are starting to bud and pop out some leaves. Just three more to go. Praying they will all be ok.

The peas I planted are loving it. They are just bursting out the ground, saying “Fuck you, English weather!” My tomatoes are less so. They miss the indoors and even though I have hardened them off they are most displeased to be living outdoors.

Just potatoes and cucumbers left to plant now along with a few transplants.

I’m learning lots though like I think the reason some of my herbs failed was due to me now understanding some seeds need a bit of prep. I did what the packet said but reading garden forums online has been really helpful. Im also learning how to save some of the existing plants.

Will update with photos when I feel better. Can’t get up from exhaustion right now.

I can’t remember if I shared this on Tumblr. I dont think...

Wed, 22 May 2013 19:20:39 -0400

I can’t remember if I shared this on Tumblr. I dont think I have. Basically back in 2008 my cousin and I use to record random stupid acoustic covers in her bedroom and one of the ones I found most amusing was “Crashed the Wedding” by Busted. A couple of years later when I was signed off with a kidney infection I decided to make a terrible video to accompany it using only a white board and a marker pen that had nearly run out… Enjoy!

Couldn’t keep anything in last night and woke up with a UTI due to dehydration and severe...

Wed, 22 May 2013 10:26:50 -0400

Couldn’t keep anything in last night and woke up with a UTI due to dehydration and severe straining. Happens regularly. Unfortunately the pain was so bad where I’m menstruating on top of evil IBS I ended up in tears. I had to take a paracetemol to ease the suffering even though my body hates them. Now the UTI pain is feeling better but I get to deal with nausea, chest pain and heartburn with those lovely bile flavoured burps. I miss ibuprofen but that hurts my stomach lining far more.

This life really isn’t fair. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Its a pain and symptoms trade off all the time. Just wanted to say that and have my vent for the day!

flaresof-fibro: thechronicfight: thespoonfairy: just no. I...

Tue, 21 May 2013 07:40:36 -0400

flaresof-fibro:

thechronicfight:

thespoonfairy:

just no.

I can’t relate to a post more than this.

^

Last cat lady post for a while...

Mon, 20 May 2013 13:45:20 -0400

I know I’m being boring rambling about the cat so will pull it back lol. But for now… Kitty sat on my lap! I could cry. She climbed my chest to lovingly head butt my face. So much progress in such a short amount of time. I don’t have to spoon feed her to get her to eat now, she’s hopping out of the carrier when I come into the kitchen and now she trusts me enough to sit on my lap. She’s really affectionate, bless her, I just hope she gets along with Fee.

Forgive the baby talk! This is me and the new kitty exploring...

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:05:32 -0400

Forgive the baby talk! This is me and the new kitty exploring the kitchen. I’ve taken the video to show my family she is progressing and is much happier. No one really believes she only comes out of her carrier for me, so I wanted to get evidence of it lol. But I’m the one who feeds her and visits her several times a day so its hardly surprising she’s started to bond with me more than my family members who work.

She’s a cutie :)

to random people who act like my illness greatly effects their life

Sun, 19 May 2013 13:04:08 -0400

thegutsygeneration:

Cat Stuff!

Sat, 18 May 2013 19:48:31 -0400

Ok in spite of my last post of hurt feelings and frustration, I just had the most beautiful moment with the new cat (thinking of naming her Clementine after the little girl from the walking dead game).

I said before she was bullied by two other cats in the last home and she’s skinny as anything. Hadn’t eaten for two days, then this morning I fed her a whole pouch of food by hand in her carrier. Was surprised she let me do it as she’s been shaking intensely and trying to hide everywhere since arriving. Has been distressing for me to watch let alone what the poor thing has been feeling.

Anyway I realised after writing the back door was unlocked so regardless of my pain I had to drag myself downstairs or I would never sleep. Sat down on a chair after locking up and fed the cat again, but this time I heard her purring at me. She ate like she hadn’t eaten in weeks and then when I pet her she nuzzled my hand and lay down. She was purring so loud it really choked me up. It was just such a transformation. She has been nothing but scared really since arriving. It had to leave so I could have a little sob without alarming her.

Seeing an anxious cat purr for the first time and seeing an animal learn to trust you is incredibly moving. Its an honour to have a vulnerable little creature open up to you and let you near. (I am totally projecting because of my own anxiety issues but it doesn’t make it any less true!)

If anyone else has an anxious pet, my cousin bought me a herbal (not feliway) pet calming diffuser today and we plugged that in this afternoon before I ended up ill. Cat is so much better for it. I highly recommend. Still not coming out of the carrier and still not sure how to let me near but seems to want it and feel comfortable now. It is a godsend!

Alone

Sat, 18 May 2013 18:39:33 -0400

I have been left entirely alone thanks to a lack of communication between family members. Basically my dad has gone to France, my mum and brother have both independently planned trips to Cardiff and my boyfriend has gone to Northampton.

It has been terrifying because if I become worse in the night there will be no one there. No one to assist me or hear me crying for help.

Its things like this that scare me. Literally all my caregivers have gone on holidays/partying and forgot me/didn’t think I was as important as their trips. I get the world doesn’t revolve around me but I’m fucking disabled! My immobility is really frightening when no one is going to be home for a weekend. If you must all go on holiday at the same time can you hire me a carer?!

I don’t want extended family who don’t know how to care looking after me. They don’t know what I need and I won’t be well enough to run through it as we go, or cope with their mistakes. Just have some forward thinking, please! I can’t plan ahead if I only find out last minute!

This is why I can’t stand my illness. This dependency on others that leaves me at their mercy. I feel so vulnerable tonight and I do feel kind of abandoned. Guarantee no one is thinking about me on my bathroom floor in pain, unable to walk tonight while they all drink shots and have fun.

Being ill fucking sucks sometimes. It hurts my heart.

Oh hai! I’m in ur sink clogging ur drainz.

Sat, 18 May 2013 06:15:59 -0400

Oh hai! I’m in ur sink clogging ur drainz.

I love my boyfriend. He’s the best. He lets Feebee sleep...

Fri, 17 May 2013 21:22:25 -0400

I love my boyfriend. He’s the best. He lets Feebee sleep between us under the covers and he has helped me look after the cheeky monkey that decided to hide on top of our fridge.

My cousin had a friend who could no longer house this cat and asked if I could take her on a trial basis. I agreed and so for now I have a second cat. She has been bullied terribly by two other cats she was living with and has never been outside. All that as well as being the runt of the litter, born with twisted legs.

She is the sweetest little thing, only just a year old, but so scared of everything. I have put her in the kitchen and have had to try and block up everything so she can’t keep hiding from us. Its a slow process to help settle a really anxious cat and so we’re just letting her have her carrier to sleep in with her blanket and making sure she is greeted and interacted with regularly.

Anyway, the boyfriend could not have been more helpful in sorting her out. Plus I’ve been poorly and he’s really taken good care of me. I’m glad he indulges my cat lady nature. Its good because in the future I’ll be happy to care for the big dog he wants :)

IBS Problems: myfuckingstomach: I have a pretty severe form of IBS-D & i dont know...

Fri, 17 May 2013 10:12:03 -0400

IBS Problems: myfuckingstomach: I have a pretty severe form of IBS-D & i dont know...:

myzombiebowels:

ibsproblems:

myfuckingstomach:

I have a pretty severe form of IBS-D & i dont know anyone personally who is previously gone through it or is currently dealing with ibs. So any support is hugely appreciated.

I am curious to know how many people on tumblr are dealing with ibs specifically ibs-d?

I have…

I have IBS-d too… I get such painful intestinal cramps they make me weak in the legs, I get cold sweats, nausea… It’s so bad I’m scared of leaving my house in case I get a flare up on the street or wherever I’m at. IBS-d controls my life completely.

Mine is so severe they have no idea what to do with my at the hospital. I don’t want a worse diagnosis but feel like maybe then they would take my pain more seriously and give me meds that actually work. IBS-D is exhausting!

My carrots have germinated and survived the awful weather!!!...

Thu, 16 May 2013 09:49:15 -0400

My carrots have germinated and survived the awful weather!!! Huzzah. I have a lot of basil and parsley seedlings too.

Also the first of my peas has popped up. Really… peased… about it. (I’ll show myself out)

Depressing

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:33:00 -0400

Feeling really down at the moment. Not much else to say I guess. Not winning tonight. Not crying, just not feeling anything at all.

The rest is me being miserable so click if you want to be bored, don’t click if you don’t wanna know.

Sometimes when I feel like this I turn to Tumblr because the people on here are the only ones who really understand me. With illness and depression and fandoms and geekiness.

I feel like the odd one out all the time in real life which is dumb because I’m probably not. It’s just having my illness and other things that make me who I am cause me to feel that way. Online is the only place I dont feel so alone. Like a sasquatch bumbling through the woods trying to find someone else like me. There are people online who say “You are loved. I love you. You matter to me. I care about you. It’s not weird you feel that way. Big hugs!” And when they say it, it moves me because they don’t have to say it. They are doing all they can from their computer hundreds of miles away from me.

When my friends in real life text me “Hugs” I often feel nothing because its not the most they could do. I rarely tell my friends I’m upset. I rarely make demands on their time, so when I do ask for something (especially considering I do more than my fair share of hugging and listening all things considered) I feel let down when I get an impersonal, hurried response that will have no follow up. It’s just a “Shut up being depressing and get over it so we can continue with you being my free therapist” type platitude to give the impression we are really friends and they actually care about me.

I had a few real friends once. But now they are far, far away or too busy for the sick girl. But I have tumblr. When everyone else is too busy, doesn’t care, forgets me or stops loving me, there is the bottomless pit of the internet.

chronicmigraineawareness: You learn to hold your head up and...

Sat, 11 May 2013 09:25:56 -0400

chronicmigraineawareness:

You learn to hold your head up and let the comments roll off. Power is only given to those words if we give it. It doesn’t mean its always easy though. Always the odd day where someone finds a gap in the armour and it hurts and I might have a cry, but otherwise I know it is their ignorance, nothing I have done, causing the whispers.

when a doctor treats you like a person right from the start

Sat, 11 May 2013 09:20:52 -0400

thegutsygeneration:

I sent my G.I specialist a gushing thank you card for being so wonderful to me. He wrote a detailed, 2 page letter to my work telling them to stop harassing me and treating me like my illness was not a real issue. They used to demand I call them every 30 minutes (even if i was being ill) with an update on the status of my bowels (as if its that easy) and expected me to rush in as soon as I was off the toilet. He told them I needed to rest and rehydrate and not be stressed with degrading and unnecessary calls. I actually love him. If only my GP was even slightly as empathetic.

Yes.

Thu, 09 May 2013 06:54:42 -0400

Yes.

Patients at Teaneck hospital turn to parasite eggs to treat Crohn's Disease

Wed, 08 May 2013 19:14:08 -0400

Patients at Teaneck hospital turn to parasite eggs to treat Crohn's Disease:

Fascinating stuff. Hope it works!

Equality

Wed, 08 May 2013 10:10:47 -0400

So tired today. Its a genuine fatigue. I was up at 4am because of weird dreams about Game of Thrones and didnt get back to sleep till nearly 7am. Strange dreams then woke me again and just thinking and being online has made me feel like I need another sleep.

Its probably illness combined with the overwhelming amount of negativity my posts about equal rights are met with. Its frustrating because most of the people who comment or inbox me with negativity have never read up on the issue and most won’t even read the article I link so are debating based on incorrect information, opinion or assumptions. Or they tell me the cause is pointless and I should just accept that. Or they point out token acts or singular instances of basic equality as if that should be good enough or stop me from wanting real, substantial equality.

Its like slamming my head against a brick wall but I can’t stop myself. I can’t be a passive bystander who sees injustice and does nothing. That makes me complicit in the injustice and general wrongness of the world. I can’t ignore violence against women, domestic labour inequalities, unequal pay, sexism in sports, gaming and on the internet, and the constant sexualisation of women and girls because it makes some men (and women) feel bad or uncomfortable. I can’t ignore it or racism or homophobia because what would happen if we all took that stance? If we all ignored these issues and never spoke up or forced people into awareness then nothing would ever change. We should all take personal responsibility to be the change we want to see and to spread the message of equality so that it becomes the status quo.

I’m opening myself up for hate and abuse and derision, but in my heart and my mind I know I have to keep going. I can’t let other people silence me just because they don’t want change, or don’t believe change is possible or would simply be silent themselves. I may sometimes get it wrong and be less than eloquent, but I would rather actively try to work towards a greater good and sound like an idiot sometimes than never embarrass myself and watch others struggle and suffer for the rest of my pitiful life.

I love all people. Period. That includes white heterosexual men. I want us all to have the best we can have in life in equal measure. Fairness and equality matter and if we ever hope to have an egalitarian society we need to look at intersectional feminism and take some action and responsibility ourselves. If we want to make a difference in the world we can’t just watch a video and stay silent. We need to pick up the torch and shine it on the darkness we see in the world. We all need to be braver and bolder in our actions.

Like Martin Luther King said many poignant and applicable things but I will end on these two:

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is ‘What are you doing for others?’”