Sometimes you want things to be different but you know they can’t be. This post is probably long and boring so I’m gonna leave you to choose if you want to read it.
Since getting really sick I have lost a lot of my fighting spirit. I feel anxious and afraid of people and their capacity to hurt me physically through their words. It might seem like nothing to them to pick a fight with me, or tell me something upsetting, but it can make me so violently ill. I’m too tired to constantly assert myself and my boundaries and explaining them over and over is exhausting. As a result I tend to cut people out of my life very abruptly which isn’t ideal, but I’m not sure how to deal with things differently.
There are people I wanted to try and build bridges with but I know it will never work because every time I have tried they end up hurting me more. Its sad but long term its better for me because I don’t have the ups and downs that cause me weeks of pain and illness. I do feel a bit guilty though because it must seem very selfish for me to just cut all ties and say “That’s it, no more contact!”
I’ve been thinking about this more and more because I over think things a lot. I don’t just do it on a whim or anything, I will put up with some drama first, but its just those repeat offenders that keep pushing me to my limit that I have to let go. Just remembering some of the incidents makes my stomach flip. They are quick to forget just how bad things could get too because unlike me they don’t have the time to reflect on it.
Coming online and seeing my Tumblr dash makes me feel so much safer than venturing into the real world because here is where I feel understood. You guys live my pain too and so it’s a very real connection even if we are miles apart and have never met. There is such a relief in knowing that emotionally and spiritually I am not alone.
I can be in a room full of people and feel so isolated because not a single person there knows or will ever experience anything remotely like what I am going through. We can chat about normal things, but my normality is tainted. They talk about going to the shops and its just a thing they do without any planning or thinking. For me its like, “Do I feel strong enough? Will my knees hold out? When did I last eat? Should I take some pain meds first and wait 20mins? If I go alone and collapse who will help me?” So yes, I know what going to the shops is like and I feign the happy, normal 20 something persona, but inside I know I can’t do anything “normal”.
I’m sorry if this post is depressing. I’m still recovering from the nausea and pain of trying to be a regular girl on Sunday. My room is a tip from being unable to move and I’m just fed up.
I started my design course though, in spite of my pain and it seems ok. I just have to keep focusing on all the positives. Fun times ahead.