thegutsygeneration:

Ok in spite of my last post of hurt feelings and frustration, I just had the most beautiful moment with the new cat (thinking of naming her Clementine after the little girl from the walking dead game).

I said before she was bullied by two other cats in the last home and she’s skinny as anything. Hadn’t eaten for two days, then this morning I fed her a whole pouch of food by hand in her carrier. Was surprised she let me do it as she’s been shaking intensely and trying to hide everywhere since arriving. Has been distressing for me to watch let alone what the poor thing has been feeling.

Anyway I realised after writing the back door was unlocked so regardless of my pain I had to drag myself downstairs or I would never sleep. Sat down on a chair after locking up and fed the cat again, but this time I heard her purring at me. She ate like she hadn’t eaten in weeks and then when I pet her she nuzzled my hand and lay down. She was purring so loud it really choked me up. It was just such a transformation. She has been nothing but scared really since arriving. It had to leave so I could have a little sob without alarming her.

Seeing an anxious cat purr for the first time and seeing an animal learn to trust you is incredibly moving. Its an honour to have a vulnerable little creature open up to you and let you near. (I am totally projecting because of my own anxiety issues but it doesn’t make it any less true!)

If anyone else has an anxious pet my cousin bought me a herbal (not feliway) pet calming diffuser today and we plugged that in this afternoon before I ended up ill. Cat is so much better for it. I highly recommend. Still not coming out of the carrier and still not sure how to let me near but seems to want it and feel comfortable now. It is a godsend!

I have been left entirely alone thanks to a lack of communication between family members. Basically my dad has gone to France, my mum and brother have both independently planned trips to Cardiff and my boyfriend has gone to Northampton.

It has been terrifying because if I become worse in the night there will be no one there. No one to assist me or hear me crying for help.

Its things like this that scare me. Literally all my caregivers have gone on holidays/partying and forgot me/didn’t think I was as important as their trips. I get the world doesn’t revolve around me but I’m fucking disabled! My immobility is really frightening when no one is going to be home for a weekend. If you must all go on holiday at the same time can you hire me a carer?!

I don’t want extended family who don’t know how to care looking after me. They don’t know what I need and I won’t be well enough to run through it as we go, or cope with their mistakes. Just have some forward thinking, please! I can’t plan ahead if I only find out last minute!

This is why I can’t stand my illness. This dependency on others that leaves me at their mercy. I feel so vulnerable tonight and I do feel kind of abandoned. Guarantee no one is thinking about me on my bathroom floor in pain, unable to walk tonight while they all drink shots and have fun.

Being ill fucking sucks sometimes. It hurts my heart.

Feeling really down at the moment. Not much else to say I guess. Not winning tonight. Not crying, just not feeling anything at all. 

The rest is me being miserable so click if you want to be bored, don’t click if you don’t wanna know.

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thegutsygeneration:

I sent my G.I specialist a gushing thank you card for being so wonderful to me. He wrote a detailed, 2 page letter to my work telling them to stop harassing me and treating me like my illness was not a real issue. They used to demand I call them every 30 minutes (even if i was being ill) with an update on the status of my bowels (as if its that easy) and expected me to rush in as soon as I was off the toilet. He told them I needed to rest and rehydrate and not be stressed with degrading and unnecessary calls. I actually love him. If only my GP was even slightly as empathetic.